Most of us are incredibly hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up for not being thin, attractive, successful or intelligent enough. When we fail or make a mistake we feel something has gone terribly wrong. The truth is, nothing is wrong. We’re imperfect human beings living imperfect human lives. This is the way things are supposed to be. Instead of fighting against this truth and making ourselves miserable in the process, we have another option. We can embrace our flawed state with compassion, giving ourselves what we really need to be happy.

I know this from firsthand experience. While finishing up my dissertation at Berkeley back in 1997, I was in a bad state. I had just gone through a messy divorce and was feeling a lot of shame and self-judgment. I was stressed about finishing my degree and wondering if I would get hired in an incredibly competitive job market. I tried learning to meditate with a local Buddhist group to see if it would help. In addition to teaching meditation, the teachers talked a lot about the need for self-compassion. In order to open your heart and grow spiritually, they said you need to stop the inner violence that undermines your peace of mind. It took a while to sink in, but I eventually stopped using harsh self-talk whenever I felt inadequate and tried to be kinder to myself. Not only was it a hell of a lot less painful, I could see myself more clearly because it was safe to do so. This allowed me to learn and grow in a way that wasn’t possible before. By giving myself care and support rather than tearing myself down all the time, I found the emotional strength needed to embrace the next stage in my life.

When I got an Assistant Professor position at UT Austin — that’s what brought me to this wonderful city — I decided to conduct research on self-compassion. After reading every Buddhist book I could lay my hands on, I realized that self-compassion has three main elements — being kind to ourselves rather than harshly judgmental, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience and mindfully turning toward our suffering rather than fighting or denying it. So I developed a scale to measure self compassion, and the research quickly showed its benefits: less depression, anxiety and stress, for instance, more personal growth motivation, healthy behaviors like exercising and sticking to one’s diet, better relationships, as well as increased happiness, optimism and life satisfaction.

The fact that self-compassion is strongly associated with positive mental states is important given the evolutionary purpose of positive emotions. Negative emotions alert us to problems, narrowing the focus of our attention so that we can avoid danger. Positive emotions, on the other hand, alert us to possibilities, broadening the focus of our attention so that we can build resources. The beauty of self-compassion is that it embraces suffering with the positive emotions of kindness and connectedness, meaning it opens us up to new potentials. Without denying the truth of our difficult life experiences, self-compassion allows us to see their silver linings. As Helen Keller once said, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.”

This was certainly true in my own life. When my son Rowan was first diagnosed with autism, thank God I had some self compassion practice under my belt. If not I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through those intensely painful early years. When Rowan was lost in an inconsolable tantrum, or when he pooped his pants (at five) for the umpteenth time that day, I would put most of my emotional energy into soothing and comforting myself. By acknowledging my grief and stress with great kindness and concern, I was able to recharge my emotional batteries so that I had more to give to Rowan. More importantly, I was eventually able to see Rowan’s autism as a gift, something to be celebrated rather than condemned. I could focus on the joy Rowan brought me rather than being stuck in despair about the challenges he posed.

When we commit to treating ourselves with the same kindness and consideration we would show to a good friend, we can climb out of the black hole of self-criticism that we so often find ourselves in. So for your New Year’s resolution, why not try being more self compassionate? It might just change your life.